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Rediscover Your Heart’s Desires

Aligning Your Actions with Your Heart’s Desires
Are you actively putting your hearts desires in alignment with your choice of action every day?

If we’re not careful the world will fill our lives with busyness. This can result in a full life but not necessarily a fulfilling life? For a truly fulfilling life you must align your desires with the actions you choose!

If you have lost sight of your hearts desires or if you’ve lost your passion then how you spend your time and energy will reflect that!

Is it your time and energy spent on the Internet? Have you fallen in love with the mindless distractions of a computerized companion? The internet is just one small example of how choosing something out of alignment with your heart’s desires can quickly distract your attention and waste valuable time with unfulfilling activity.

Life is filled with things that rob us of living a fulfilling life. If you’re not vigilant they will clutter your relationships and fill your life with activity that lacks any real accomplishment.

We are challenging you to spend a few minutes each day really focusing on what you desire in your relationship. There is a great adventure in living your life as if your relationships really were the most important thing in your life. Read that last sentence again, it just might be life changing. Read it and ponder just how different your life would be if you really did put your partner first in your life.

Think about your where your daily choices are taking you and ask yourself if you are choosing to be in the driver’s seat or sitting in the back seat letting busyness or someone else determine where your life is going.

What would your days look like if you could take back control of your life and your relationships?

Do you have the will to live the life you say you’ve always wanted or are you choosing to give priority to actions that are counter to what you really want?

Here’s a small exercise that is simple to implement and can have dramatic results.

At the close of each day reflect on what choices you made since you woke up that morning. Were your choices in alignment with the desires you have in your heart?

If they were out of alignment what choice could you have made instead? Set a goal to make the appropriate choice the next day. As you do this simple exercise each evening your choices the following day will tend to be more deliberate and less a result of outside influence or bad habits.

The most tragic betrayal is when your heart and your head are in conflict throughout your day. You and your partner, as well as your family, suffer when you make choices based on habit or with little conscious awareness!

There is no need to stay unconscious any longer.

A life well lived – one filled with love, integrity and passion, is a tremendous life, especially for those of us with ADHD. Creating a life deliberately: of your own accord; of your own wishes; is central to living a fulfilled relational life.

Stop Chasing Your Tail and Focus On Your Relationship.


If miracle natural wonder cures for ADHD really worked,  rich people would not need medication just like everyone else.

Married to a Fun Wife


Dear ADHD Doctor,

Help! I feel like the last guy on my wife’s to-do list. She has ADHD but says “she only needs medication when she is paying the bills, or doing paperwork”. She says she “likes not being too serious as well as her ‘off the wall’ way of thinking.”

Sure she is lot of fun, but I swear I don’t know what she does all day. When I come home from work, it seems as though my second job is just beginning! It takes quite a while to tie up all of the loose ends around our apartment doing cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. When I ask her what she does all day, she gets angry and tells me that I have no idea how much she does every day. After that, she wants little to do with me.

The next morning, however, she wakes up and acts as though nothing is wrong. I want to make things better, but I am lost what to do.

Signed, Married to a Fun but Unproductive Wife

Dear Married to Fun,

This is a touchy and somewhat common scenario.

ADHD folks are notoriously poor self-reporters. They tend to over report their level of activity and under report their ‘down’ time. On proper medication, they are often able to accomplish great things, but if they are off meds, or if meds are improperly dosed, they can definitely be ‘under-achievers.’ Unfortunately, ADHDers have a difficult time distinguishing being busy and being productive.

A few things that may help:
1. A calendar on which you each note your daily tasks and the steps needed to accomplish the goals combined with a morning, mid day and evening check-in (text, IM, or phone call) to talk about the day’s progress.
2. Create andid discussions regarding medications and their effectiveness.
3. Chunking: that is breaking bigger jobs into bite-sized pieces.
4. Making it safe to talk about total time killers like TV, Internet or coming up with “new and great” ideas that were not part of her task list .

As for your wife waking up in the morning, feeling great and acting as though nothing happened, it is not uncommon for those with ADHD to not hold grudges and quickly recover from disagreements. Some would say this isn’t a good thing, but I believe it is actually a positive and you should relax into it. You two do need to work through some of the conflicts, but enjoy this one quirky side benefit!

Remember: ADHDers often seek to connect through conflict. If your wife feels disconnected from you, she may actually try to provoke a small fight as a way to increase her feelings of connection. Believe it or not, this is common.

Sincerely,
Dr. Robert Wilford

“There is a peace in our home now that we never knew existed”

Dr. Robert Wilford and Dr.Sarah Ferman truly gave us our family back. Previous doctors took the easy way out and said our two sons were just depressed and needed to be made to pay attention and stop daydreaming. One of those doctors even said that our younger son might have a learning disability. Dr. Wilford helped us realize that in fact both our sons had ADHD and that following what those other doctors told us was actually the exact opposite of what our sons needed to cope with their symptoms. There is a peace in our home now that we never knew existed.

Martha R., LA Area

Conflict as a Form of Self-Medication


Understanding Why Your ADHD Partner Thrives on Anger
Relationships always take work but being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD can take even more effort. One of the top reasons people list on why they end a relationship with an ADHD partner is too much fighting. In ADHD this is known as “conflict as a form of self-medication”. This is often perpetuated when symptoms are ignored or denied by the partner afflicted with the disorder. Today’s question will attempt to begin to uncover and demystify this phenomenon.
Kicked to the Curb
Kaylee and Kirk are newlyweds living in Atlanta, Georgia. One of the hardest aspects to their relationship that they have not been able to overcome according to Kaylee is how her husband how he seems to “like getting angry”.

Kaylee’s Question:

Help, I think my ADHD husband actually likes, needs, or has to find something to be upset about. It seems like no matter how accommodating I am, or how much I try to tip toe around things or not bring up potentially upsetting topics, he still seems to look for any reason to be upset. If he is in the mood to be upset (which is a lot of the time), he will find something to be angry about, and to make things worse; he will inevitably turn it around on me and say it is my fault he is so upset. I try and keep my cool, but he will keep on with things until I have finally lost my temper, then he accuses me of having an anger management problem. Once he has gotten his “fix” of making me upset, he walks away feeling like he is right and goes on with his day. Meanwhile, I am left feeling wrecked. I am at my wits end, and just don’t understand why he treats me like this. I don’t think I am a terrible wife, but I feel both ashamed of how I blow up, but I feel justified in my response to his relentless behavior. Help, I feel trapped, upset, worried, and don’t know what to do.

Our Reply:

Kaylee, our heart goes out to you and you are not alone. Like so many partners of people with ADHD it can seem absolutely mystifying how someone who says they love you can behave so terribly on a regular basis. The good news is that believe it or not, your husbands need to be angry, upset, and always picking fights can be caused by your ADHD partner’s biological craving for stimulation.
We see this all the time in our work with couples. According to psychiatrist and ADHD researcher, Daniel Amen, “Being mad, upset, angry, negative, or even oppositional immediately stimulates the brain’s frontal lobes,” he explains. “These behaviors can produce increasing amounts of adrenaline in the body, stimulating not only heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension but also brain activity. And many people with ADHD might pick on others to get a rise out of them.” We found a quote online that says it best “My husband gets his adrenaline kick, but I just plain feel kicked.”
It is hard to believe that people with ADHD often connect through conflict or that fighting and arguing can actually help some people with ADHD feel clearer, calmer, and more productive. What is even harder to swallow is that most of the time the ADHD partner is totally unaware of what they are doing.
It is critical that both partners become very clear about what is going on here and believe it!
Couples often come to us with tons of examples of this type of self-medicating behavior. Until couples become aware this type of behavior pattern they often think that there is something bigger than ADHD in the picture. Once we are able to make both partners aware of this pattern of fighting and stimulation seeking they often feel like they are not doomed to a life of negativity.
What Can We Do?
It is important to seek therapy and treatment for the ADHD symptoms. Even more important is educating yourself and your partner on the lesser known symptoms such as using conflict as self-medication. Often we find that couples separate because they think they may just be incompatible when in fact, there is a bigger issue at hand that can be dealt with. ADHD affects many adults which in turn end up affecting their relationships. However, we are confident that with the right toolkit filled with knowledge, coping skills, and treatment, even this obstacle can be overcome.

Only One Partner Is Participating and it is Making A Difference!

 


“One person learning and growing can make a BIG Difference in their relationship”
“We went from a total RED light couple to a Yellow light couple with just me participating in ADHDCouplesSuccess.com membership”

Checkbook is a toy (?)

Group InvestingMy spouse is fun but the checkbook seems to be his toy. He doesn’t follow our budget, always says I’m sorry, spends money for our fixed payments; like the mortgage.

lori

Listen as Dr’s Robert Wilford and Sarah Ferman answer this question Live.

 

 

20 Years of Resentment

Woman comforting anxious husbandHow do you get your spouse over hurt and anger to the point of understanding after 20 years of marriage?

Derick

Listen as Dr’s Robert Wilford and Sarah Ferman answer this question Live.

 

Why Yelling And ADHD Don’t Mix

1. The ADHD partner responds differently to YELLING.

2. The ADHD brain classifies all incoming communications as either SAFE or UNSAFE.

3. The BRAIN’S FUNCTION is to keep you safe.

4. YELLING is automatically labeled as UNSAFE.

5. The response is either FIGHT (defensive, yelling back), FLIGHT (running away from the situation), or FREEZE (zoning you out, as if you don’t exist)

6. In Fight Mode, regrettable things may be said, causing further harm in the relationship.

7. In Flight Mode, the ADHD brain may know what to say, but hold back, believing it is unimportant.

8. In Freeze Mode, the ADHD brain feels safer when it blocks the source of negativity out of the picture.

9. Yell once, and the ADHD partner may come to anticipate that all communication from the partner is UNSAFE.

10. Thereafter, even without you yelling yet, the ADHD partner already fights, flights, or freezes.

11. Even worse, the ADHD brain may make even more danger associations with the partner’s communication style.

12. The result is a breakdown in communications.

13. But there is a solution, and it involves BOTH individuals.

14. The non-ADHD partner can practice YELLING LESS. This will RE-TRAIN the ADHD partner’s brain to react with less fear.

15. The ADHD partner, meanwhile, must practice to RESTRAIN his first impulse when spoken to. Repeating a mantra such as “I am safe, this is good.” will help.

16. This will help strengthen communications and help convey to each other their respective needs.

17. In a relationship, it’s not all HEART.

18. Knowing how the brain works, and knowing when your BRAIN in charge, Really Helps.

Top Relationship Wreckers

What We Hear on A Daily Basis

From Actual Patients:

 

Dr.Robert Wilford & Dr.Sarah Ferman

According to the NonADHD Partner:

“Every time we try to talk all we do is argue”

“My partner doesn’t listen to what I say – like I don’t even matter

“My needs are the last thing on my partners to – do list”

I do everything for us in our life and my partner does nothing!”

“They promise to do something – then totally forget

“Has trouble getting started on a task”
“Leaves a mess – I feel like a Parent to my Spouse not a Partner!”

“My partner just doesn’t learn from their mistakes”

“Doesn’t plan ahead – All I do is nag, all we do is argue and still nothing changes”

 

“I can’t count on my partner for any thing,even the small stuff, what if I ever got sick and really needed them!”

“Intimacy is the last thing on our list of things that never get done”

“All we do is jump crisis to crisis and the fires never really get put out”
“Under-estimates the time needed to complete a task”

“Forget being on time anywhere”

“Doesn’t finish household projects”
“Why can my partner focus on video games but can’t lift a finger to help around the house?”
“I’m Sorry” is the wrong answer – how about finally doing something and not just keep saying I’m sorry”

“I feel like I am in a relationship with ADHD and not with my partner”

“Says things without thinking”

“Every time we try to talk all we do is argue and trade blame back and forth until were both just too worn out to fight anymore”

“Zones out in conversations- like they don’t even care what is being said”

“Doesn’t respond when spoken to- The “Huh What Syndrome”

According to the ADHD Partner:

I can Never Do Anything Right

“All I hear is constant criticism and nagging – All The Time”
 

“My partner makes every little thing such a big deal!

“I am sick of being treated like a child who can’t be trusted” 

“I am always being told what to do, & how and when to do it”

“Can’t seem to understand why their non-ADHD partner is always so bent out of shape and in such a bad mood”

Which Partner Are You?: