Keeping the Spark Alive In Your Relationship
If at first, you don’t succeed, give it a little more effort and you might be pleasantly surprised! When initiating intimacy with your partner, you might find some initial resistance. This initial lack of interest should be expected given how our minds work. For many partners especially those with ADHD, getting started can seem overwhelming. Until the neurons of interest are firing the ADHD mind is simply not engaged. How many times have you had to convince your spouse to go do something? Only to experience that once both of you are out having fun, they tell you they are having “the time of their life and are glad you convinced them to go. Guess what, initiating intimacy is really no different. Offer a little notice and a drop of persistence, and you might find that once your partner […]
Breaking the Cycle of Negativity
Researchers have demonstrated that negative thoughts or experiences have a much greater effect on our mood than positive thoughts and experiences. As an example, imagine how differently you would feel if you found a piece of jewelry or lost a piece of jewelry. The stress of the loss is typically far more dramatic than the joy of a sudden find. Do you feel like your relationship is locked in an endless cycle of negativity? Are your only thoughts about what’s NOT working in the relationship? It’s So Easy to Get Stuck on the Bad! It’s easy to get swept up in a tornado of negativity if you’re in an relationship that is falling apart. If you don’t break out of the tornado, you may find your relationship being swept away from negativity. It’s important to realize that negative events have […]
Rediscover Your Heart’s Desires
Are you actively putting your hearts desires in alignment with your choice of action every day? If we’re not careful the world will fill our lives with busyness. This can result in a full life but not necessarily a fulfilling life? For a truly fulfilling life you must align your desires with the actions you choose! If you have lost sight of your hearts desires or if you’ve lost your passion then how you spend your time and energy will reflect that! Is it your time and energy spent on the Internet? Have you fallen in love with the mindless distractions of a computerized companion? The internet is just one small example of how choosing something out of alignment with your heart’s desires can quickly distract your attention and waste valuable time with unfulfilling activity. Life is filled with things […]
Stop Taking the Bait
When arguments create an ADHD “High” The apparent desire to be angry and provoke an angry response in others can result from someone with ADHD having a biological need for stimulation! According to psychiatrist Daniel Amen “Being mad, upset, angry, negative, or even oppositional immediately stimulates the brain’s frontal lobes…These behaviors can produce increasing amounts of adrenaline in the body, stimulating not only heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension but also brain activity.” The important point from the quote is that an argument can create an adrenaline rush and a resulting buzz or “high” in a person with ADHD. While that may not make sense to most of us, it can be a common occurrence for someone in a relationship involving ADHD. A person with ADHD will often initiate an argument just to get an adrenalin rush. Here’s a […]
Is ADHD Ruining Your Relationship?
The mini-upsets of ADHD can erode the foundation of a relationship It’s not the big stuff that typically destroys a relationship. It’s often the little things that happen repeatedly, over an extended period of time, which tend to eat away and then destroy the foundations upon which a relationship needs to flourish. We refer to these “repeated” events as mini-upsets. When they happen the first time they often seem insignificant. When they occur with mind numbing regularity the effect can be overwhelming. Mini-upsets can occur dozens of times throughout the day in a relationship that involves an ADHD partner. The ADHD partner often forgets to do something; breaks a promise, arrives late or leaves too early, forgets an appointment, or makes another big mess. When confronted with their action they think that simply saying, “I’m sorry,” will somehow make everything […]
Feedback is About ME, not YOU!
If your spouse is upset, disappointed or offended by something you have done, not done, said or not said, her feedback is not an indictment of you personally. Calm down, take a deep breath, and remember that she has feelings too. Step back and try to see things from her perspective. When your partner or spouse becomes frustrated with you, it does not mean that you are a terrible person; it doesn’t even mean that you necessarily did something bad or wrong. (And it may not have anything to do with you at all.) Remember: Feedback is about ME (the giver), not YOU (the receiver)! Instead of becoming defensive and making it all about you; before you begin blaming or minimizing the ‘attack,’ think of this as a golden opportunity to listen. This is a great chance to understand how […]
Stop Hurting the One’s We Love!
The closer you get to someone else, the easier your emotions can collide! The challenge to growing a relationship lies in learning how to deal with that collision in a thoughtful and loving fashion. Remember, partners with ADHD often have a lifetime of feeling “wrong” and dumpsters full of criticism from others. It’s important to learn how to talk about things when they do go wrong and not jump right into defending yourself and trying to regain control of chaos with blame. Blame is a false solution. While it gives the blamer a temporary feeling of power, wisdom, and control at a time when they feel upset, or like they lack control or power over a situation, it does so at the expense of the feelings of others. The Golden Rule applies here: Do unto others as you would have […]
Stop Blaming ADHD
For people in relationships where ADHD is involved, these five words are often one of the biggest sources of rage because Nobody Appreciates Someone Else Making Excuses for His or Her Own Behavior. Although the excuse may be right-on, “I’m sorry; it’s my ADHD,” is usually seen as a self-serving, hollow and (very annoying) pathetic excuse. Apologies which seem more like an excuse than something someone is sorry about is viewed as shallow and insincere. Saying these words can have the effect of someone throwing gasoline onto an already raging emotional bonfire. If you blame ADHD for your shortcomings, then you are blaming something outside of your relationship. Given that we are powerless to control things outside of our own behavior, your partner is left feeling helpless to solve the problem. And, in essence, you are saying that you are […]
ADHD: Your Far More Than Your Diagnosis!
When you’re dealing with a person with ADHD, it can be tempting to make certain assumptions about him based on a diagnosis. While it is important to recognize that he is dealing with ADHD, you don’t want to enable him by encouraging or reinforcing the ADHD label which could allow him to avoid responsibility. Your partner is a wonderful person who is much more than just a label. Work to get rid of that label and let your partner be him or herself – a unique individual, not a diagnosis. Every person on earth has things that are difficult for them – yet you don’t hear people saying things like, “I can’t do that because I have Typical Human Being Disorder!” ADHD is not an excuse; it’s a challenge, and even an opportunity. It is totally O.K to admit to […]
Surviving the Holidays With ADHD
There are two distinct conditions being discussed here. ADHD is one and stress is the other. Both are fairly easy to define and if you are a parent with a child who has ADHD it’s probably fair to say you know a bit about stress. The problem here though is that dealing with ADHD can be a tough task at the best of times, so if you throw stress into the mix, that task just got tougher. Then, if all that is not hard enough, you add an extra ingredient of the holidays. Travel, visiting folks, having folks visit you, cooking, more cooking, the weather and all these things may make your stress levels soar to new heights. Stress has a way of upsetting the sufferer in many little and large ways. If you are stressed you will not sleep […]